Since I was a child, I’ve wanted to be mom.
There was a brief period in high school where I was obsessed with women’s rights and potentially wanted to intern in Washington, DC and become President one day, but (thankfully) it was just a phase.
As soon as I had Carter, I remembered my destiny.
And I ran for my life.
Until Chandler was born, I was a working mom for Carter’s entire life! I worked wherever I could find work and God blessed me tremendously for my efforts! I went from waiting tables at Fish Camp to preaching to youth at Engulf. Then to teaching preschool, then finally, my favorite job at CSU. I truly loved my job there and I was so happy, but during my pregnancy God reminded me that my job was to be at home. I LONGED to be at home with Carter, but I worked really hard and again, God rewarded me for that. As you know, Matthew began working full time and I became a stay at home mom.
This was my dream. This is everything I wanted.
Why was it so hard?
It was hard because it was different. Change is hard. Though I’m thankful that God gave me a few months to adjust before he moved us across the country, those were a few hard months. Our house was always, ALWAYS a mess. I was always behind. I could never get caught up and I was terribly exhausted. Matthew would come home and look at me like, “What did you do all day.”
I never knew what to say. I was busy ALL day. I was changing diapers, making sandwiches, reading stories, mixing bottles, rocking babies… and I was tired.
When we moved to Oklahoma, I was determined not to fall into that pattern.
Of course the first morning that I woke up with dishes in the sink I felt immediate defeat.
Satan whispered those so convincing things that I hear so often, “Look at this mess. You’re a terrible mom.” and “You’ll never get it together. Your life will always be like this.”
It was like a vicious cycle….
No matter what, it would lead to defeat. Why should I set myself up for failure?
As much as I wish I could say that I just love living in a crazy mess and that’s how I dealt with this defeat… it’s not, but my house is never perfect.
Guess what? That’s OKAY!
I realized that finding order in our chaos was key. Otherwise, you will always live in the cycle and that’s no way to live.
How can you live the dream if you’re living in defeat? You can’t.
So, here’s what we do. I focus all of my attention on Carter and Chandler. If I have time to load the dishwasher, then I do, but if it’s more important to read The Cat in the Hat for the 100th time, then that’s fine too! Every once and a while, I still do mad woman cleaning rampages (about once a week), but it’s because our home functions a little bit easier when it’s tidy… NOT because I’ll be a good mommy if I do.
I’m already a good Mommy. And I’m living the dream.